A Father's Plight

“That is the thankless position of the father in the family - the provider for all, and the enemy of all.” –J. August Strindberg

 First of all, I've had to come to terms with the fact that this is going to be a marathon. The past year has mostly felt like a bad dream, I've felt like an alien wandering around on a strange, unfriendly planet. Nothing made sense any more. Suddenly, I was engaged in a fight between the forces of Good and the forces of Evil. Or at least it has felt that way many times.

Few who have experienced the love for a child will argue that it is the purest, truest form of love that one can ever feel. Going through a pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for a fragile little creature that depends on you completely for his very survival is an indescribable, other-wordly right of passage.

Giving birth to a child is the most basic and fundamental act that defines and connects existence for all living organisms (that I can think of). And a species that does does not reproduce goes extinct, so it does not seem hyperbolic to say that the very survival of humanity depends on it.

That is the reality of it, once you strip away the cynicism or the fickle ways in which societies, over the ages and across continents, have struggled to find meaning and purpose. It is both wonderfully simple and extraordinarily complex to think about. Regardless, it can change a person's entire outlook on life, if one allows it to. A child and the love or bond between that child and a parent is the most universally accepted definition of "Good."

Then I experienced the very opposite, being deprived of that by both his mother and a system, if not a very society, that enabled and encouraged her. A father's plight in family court, for equal rights against a mother who is willing to say and do anything to destroy him and keep him from seeing and loving his child. Pure Evil.

“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.” –Billy Graham

 By the time son had turned two, when he did not need our constant attention to survive, his mother and I realized that it was the only reason for living together. We had been in a trance, connected in our love for the child but were utterly miserable as a couple. We were unable to agree on anything, everything was spinning out of control, the level of stress from the tension was made our home a toxic environment, even for our son.

So we were at a crossroads. I saw it as an opportunity to step away from a co-dependent, high-stress environment and gradually work through our issues as a family. My Ex went in an entirely different direction. I still do not know why but I have my theories. But in brief, she took our child and tried to destroy my life. To this day, she takes every opportunity to undermine me or to limit my time with our child. That much is undeniable. Why? That is the part that we will figure out over time.

“The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” –John Green

That is the purpose of this blog. To keep a record of what I've been through this past year as a father to a three year old child in Buncombe County, NC. Although we were never married so it wasn't exactly a divorce. In some ways though, I think that made matters even worse for me personally.

This experience is apparently not uncommon, it may actually be the norm. Yet no reasonable person could ever imagine that our entire society, our family infrastructure, allows for - and often exacerbates - such insanity and such discrimination. An entire industry and ecosystem exists that goes by a code of conduct that seems primitive, almost tribal or third-worldly.

As much as I have sympathized with mothers, having been raised by Catholic nuns in Italy and a single mother, I now am far more sympathetic to the sacrifices and journeys that countless fathers have had. We have been de-humanized, forgotten, and cast off as mere sperm-donors, with little effort being made into understanding a father's experience.

"‘Father’ is the noblest title a man can be given. It is more than a biological role. It signifies a patriarch, a leader, an exemplar, a confidant, a teacher, a hero, a friend.” –Robert L. Backman

Speaking from experience, I can now say that the role of a father is defined by society, not by choice. Just as all the male qualities that society valued when I was a child are now demonized. A father's love for a child is no less felt than a mother's, his sperm no less necessary than a womb for the child to be conceived, and what he is uniquely able to provide no less necessary than a mother's breast milk for the child to thrive and survive outside of the den.